Ode To Paul Adams


Do you remember when we first me? I don't. I was so nervous to be working with ACTUAL CRAY-CRAY PEOPLE that I don't remember actually meeting my teammates. I may have been somewhat catatonic. Maybe.

But here is what I remember:

I remember the Christmas party of 1998, when Jane and I strung lights across our team room, and I accidentally stuck a tack through the paper turkey that Gary's dead mom left him.

I remember that time I left a latex glove on your desk, only I cut off the pinky finger, because of your missing finger. And then you put a latex glove on my desk, and you cut off every finger but the middle one. That was fucking brilliant.

I remember the morning that you told us that you'd tried to call Apple, only you accidentally dialed a zero instead of an O. And that was a phone sex number. So we all spent then entire morning calling the phone sex line, and giggling. For free.

And I remember the morning you strolled into the office, carrying a bag of Rold Gold pretzels. As we all sat around eating them, you read the back of the bag out loud, "Questions about our product? So you called1-800-FRTO-LAY, and asked them random questions about their chips. "Do you think they use too much salt?" "I like pretzels." "What's your name?" "Do you have a boyfriend?" "What are you doing?' "What are you doing now?" "I like pie."

That was fun.

10 things about me.

I've always known I was different. Weird. Not like the other kids. Apart. And I had absolutely no idea how to "fit in."

As I've gotten older, I've learned some tricks to fitting in, and whatever I can't fake, I just pretend to ignore. Sometimes I just pretend to be asleep. It's worked pretty well for me so far.

Here are some things about me that I only recently realized may not be "typical." (Realized = 2 hours ago)

1. It is not normal to read a book about Helen Keller at the age of 8, and suddenly become obsessed with the fear that you may wake up one morning deaf, dumb, and blind.

2. It is not normal to emotionally detach yourself from a fellow kindergartner's inability to grasp the English alphabet. And subsequently set them up for a beating because you don't approve of cheating.

3. It isn't normal to be CERTAIN that your grade school secretary said that a fellow classmate had, "gone retarded", but would be back to school after lunch. *DON'T JUDGE ME. IT WAS THE 1970'S*

4. It's not normal to be THIS OBSESSED with anything. Really. There is no excuse.

5. I have watched this video over 50 times in the past 24 hours.

6. My kid has autism. Not that I'm trying to sway your thoughts one way or another....

7. It's not normal to try to return your child to the maternity ward. No matter how much they cry.

8. It's not normal to think you've killed the Easter Bunny. Ever.

9. ........